Ten bizarre professions that really exist
“If you pay me $50 I will come to your funeral. I will sit or stand at the very back of the crowd and hide behind black glasses and a black lace umbrella. So people think you died with a dark, fascinating secret.”
Dana Schwartz, writer
Professional grief and grief services, they really exist. In fact, they are ancient professions that have urvived millennia. Because, according to tradition, the more people that weep at your funeral, the more loved you were. Many professions have been lost over the centuries, such as that of lamplighter, newspaper reader, daguerrotypist and galley slave percussionist (thankfully!). And every era has its own unique professions. Which says a lot about the spirit of the times.
Today we live in a time of personal shoppers, professional cleaners, horse whisperers and sixteen thousand types of coaches. Check out these ten bizarre professions below, jobs that actually exist:
1. French fries tester
I did this myself for a while, as a part-time job. I worked in the laboratory of a potato factory and was frying small portions of frozen fries all day long. Testing had to be done by way of experiment but also physically: I had to count how often a fry bounced in your mouth to check whether the warming coating was properly applied. It wasn’t like spitting wine, I usually ate them. Fun fact : the employees who worked in the factory all day regularly had a good bowl of fries during their lunch break and looked very happy.
2. Family member
Hire a presentable grandmother, a well behaved child or a patient husband. The Japanese company Family Romance has an extensive catalog of actors who play your family member or partner, and come in all shapes and sizes. The most important hiring quality: your capacity to be a good listener and comforter. Because hiring a stranger who has to act out intimacy is also a form of therapy.
3. Snake milker.
No, not with udders. And not with milk either. The snake handler lets poisonous snakes bite into a plastic container all day long to collect their poison. For the production of antidotes, but also as a medicine for diseases such as thrombosis, Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. But snakes don’t really want to bite into a container. Therefore, the snake handler has to force them and squeeze them a little. This will probably not be paid pro rata.
4. Cuddle therapist
Free hugs ? You do have to pay the professional cuddler or cuddle therapist something (40 euros per half hour), but you are guaranteed value for money. Cuddling, spooning , just being held (with clothes on). During the lockdowns we learned that skin hunger is a serious problem: a person would need at least four hugs/touches a day to stay mentally healthy. The very first cuddle therapist in the Netherlands has made a career switch since and is now a ceramist. Maybe because clay can be squeezed harder than people.
5. The Taster
For when the snake handler has never been paid properly and wants to take revenge. Lady Gaga is said to have employed one, as did President Obama. President Putin is now on his second taster. An ideal profession, until suddenly it isn’t.
6. The Singing Telegram
The singing postman, an opera diva or a cleaning lady who suddenly breaks out into song: there are quite a few companies that offer this service. It would be interesting to order two from competing service providers to see what happens. Probably not a family musical.
7. Letter writer
In the lovely film Her, writer Theodore Twombly has a job as a letter writer for complete strangers. Writing love letters is his specialty, though he is a bit troubles in the love department himself. There are now many letter writers on websites such as Etsy and Fiverrr who not only have beautiful handwriting but can also provide the right content for life-changing key moments, if so desired.
8. Mukbang host/hostess
The mukbang is a South Korean food show where you watch someone eat online. And eat. And eat even more. The most popular are fragile women who eat huge amounts of fast food or seafood while chatting pleasantly with viewers who make donations. Mukbangs are extremely popular because many people have lunch alone, behind their computer, and want some company. Or maybe it’s just a fetish, if you enjoy listening to smacking sounds for an hour.
9. Cry Assistant
Mukbangs are often hosted by women, while crying ceremonies are often hosted by men. In Japan there are professors of tears in schools (namida sensei) and ‘ handsome weeping boys’ for business settings (ikemeso danshi ). The crying assistant selects short sad films (usually with dysfunctional families and/or sad animals) and lets groups of employees cry in a safe setting. He himself sets a good example, because if a handsome young man starts crying, the rest also have permission. The crying sessions are intended for team building, because crying together creates a bond. If people dare to show that they are vulnerable, they will also dare to be honest about a report or a new corporate identity next time. And crying is a relief: after crying, your body produces endorphins, which also relieve stress symptoms. In the most luxurious sessions the ikemeso danshi dabs away the tears of all employees with a silk handkerchief.
10. Deadline Dealer
If you can buy and sell anything, why not sell deadlines? Deadline Bureau is a great solution to a deadly serious problem. If there’s a deadline set by your boss or your customers, you’ll probably work hard. Because you are a professional. But what if it’s your own personal deadline? Your promise to yourself? To write that book, finish those photo albums, start that new business? Then you might find yourself in the kitchen, organizing the spice jars alphabetically. Deleting emails from six years ago. Contemplating a career as a cuddle therapist, taster or ceramist. Doing anything except what you really want to do: write, study, create. Deadline Bureau will sell you a personal deadline and our deadline staff will call you, so you stick to the goals you promised yourself.
We were inspired after watching the movie The Game: if there’s a market for surreal (and creepy) parties, there’s also space for surreal (and not creepy) services around very real needs. You pick a goal, we determine the finish line together and guide you on the way. We’ll help you plan and structure and call you with polite but firm intent. Because social control works. We’ve done this for three years and helped poets, artists, business owners.
Feel free to contact us. Or send a singing telegram if you like, with the short and affordable message HELP !
